CHAPTER
ONE
Who Am I To Judge?
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I
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t is cold outside, the trees and flowers undressed
from their bloomy gametes they once wore. Surely it is wintertime, Mchunu’s
family rejoicing themselves with angelic voices to songs and tip toeing in
their family dance by the fire. Thembalami didn’t joined them today, she is not
feeling well, maybe she misses home but
why cause surely she is going tomorrow and she should be enjoying her
last day of visits. She has been in her bedroom for the whole day, thinking to
herself “I know next week Monday is my day to taste my success, but I get the
chills, I am nervous, I don’t know why? Certainly I will pass”. These thoughts
kidnapped her, locking her away from everyone and even refused with her
appetite for the whole day.
As the clock rotate around the same place, tick,
tick and ticking to form an hour, to a day turning to a week; it is finally
that day which every child dreamt of. Everyone made it sure that their wallets
have at least R5, just to buy a newspaper. In the morning everyone went to that
far tinny engine garage in Empophomeni, small township of Hawick, some carrying
phones with lights, some with parents holding their hands and of course her,
with a blanket over her shoulders. Her conflicting thoughts are still holding
her from smiling. As they walk through the library, she thought of those days
when the library was her best friend. Even Mrs Sithole, the librarian also
liked her.
As that day was rushing to be yesterday, sun
burning everything it touches and everyone still celebrating; under a tree there
is a little beautiful angel with her head looking down and tears flowing all
over her face with dotted dimples. Jeah it’s her, a pulchritude girl? Even when
she is crying, it like she is smiling. “How could Dad do this to me?”
Thembalami thought to herself. This supposed to be her day; she could see her
future bright ahead if only her father could have thought the same.
Jonson, her father refused to let her go to
university without saying any reasonable reason. She is thinking of what he
said to her “My angel I love you a lot but you won’t go to university and if
you ever mention any word about this to anyone you will be dead. If you want to
make money, find yourself a job here in Hawick”. She can still see his seven fingers
pointing her. He should have been exultant for her daughter, but no, he did not
even wait for her to spend an hour with a smile after seeing her name on that
newspaper. She does not understand why this is happening to her after all these
years of working hard. Of course, it sounded as a threat, but definitely not.
That is more than a promise. She would not be the first person to die; only
that she is her daughter.
While thinking, she knew that the best solution is
to run, but still her father’s got ears and eyes all over the place. It all
started during days where human blooded tasted like an ice cream. During days,
where gangster were not merely gangster, but were blood hunters. Johnson was
not against all those things, up until they took Sbongile on her way back home.
They offered her a lift and booooom, the car turn to widgeon forest. No one
knows how he got there before they even lay a finger on her or how he got away
with that murder. Even the police knew he murdered them. Actually, everyone.
Hence, yes it is not a threat!
While crying, sitting under that tree her mother
came and set next to her with a sad face, she then looked up to these birds
singing like they are speaking to her daughter. After a while, she took
Thembalami’s hand with her left hand, while she wipes her tears with another
hand. “My angel I know this is hard for you but your father loves you. I don’t
know why he is refusing to let you go for your studies but what I am sure of,
is that he cares and he is somehow trying to protect you”. “Jeah you are right
mah! He is protecting me, while preventing me from my success. If this was going to happen, why did you send
me to school, encouraging me to perform my best?” Again like a waterfall, tears
flow over her face from round, well-shaped white eyes. Seriously, this is not
fair for Thembalami, however only God can judge.
Fortunately, her mother brought a tissue with her,
she then wiped these tears. “Thembalami! Seeing your name on that newspaper
reminded me of my past. I once had that feeling of seeing a future at the tip
of my fingers”. “But I thought you never went to school mah” “Nah my hope! I
did pass my matric, but I still curse that day”, tears started to form glasses
on Nombuso’s eyes and slowly falling over her face. Where is Jonson to wipe
them? Ooops he is nowhere to be found. Perhaps, he is inside the house.
That day when Nombuso received her results she was
very happy, she thought of her dreams coming true. Not just dreams, but the one
of becoming a CA. She knew that her parents would feel the same as any ingle
would when seeing it child flying after so many practises. On her way back home
she could fly, only if she had wings. Actually not everyone was happy, a black-white
girl passed matric, as they would say. “I knew not everyone was happy for me.
Anyway I was used to it. Even our neighbours thought we did not fit in. Of
course they were right, but it was not my fault. I did not choose to be born in
a stable family, to go in private school. Actually I wanted to be at Sabula
School, but no one was going to accept me, I was not safe with them; as my
mother would say”.
She walked all the way home confused why everyone
was staring at her, specifically at her hand. It just a brown envelope, which
is not transparent, so surely no one was able to see that it is her results
statement. As she was about to cross Duma road, she saw lot of people going
around her home, that shocked her not knowing what was happening or what to do.
Maybe it their new friends or they are telling us to move out of this town,
sure that what everyone wants, (thought to herself). But, for what? Just
because my mother married a white-man and stayed with him here at the township?
“At last Mom you have told me where you got your
curls. You are a coloured and that makes me a….” her mind stuck, not sure what
to say. “It does not matter if you are a coloured or not, as long as we are
humans and behave like them”, “Of course, I was waiting for that respond”. By
that time, carpet of this tree with brown soft soil has turned to an exercise.
Thembalami is busy drawing flowers with a broomstick while listening to her
mother telling her about her past.
She then took a deep breath and fortunately, she
was brave enough to get inside the house. She almost fainted seeing her
relatives crying, actually only her Ant. Others were just quiet but still their
faces furnished bleeding souls. Even if she wanted to avert, she was already
inside. She had no choice, but to ask what was going on. They then told her
that her parents were involved in a car accident and died. “That was like a
dream to me, I knew that we all have to die but not so soon. I was too young to
lose both of my parents at the same day so unexpectedly. That was when I
decided not to pray ever again and no one will blame me.”
That incident shocked her, thinking it just a
mishap incident and she started doubting the existence of God, and hey! Who can
judge her? It came to her as a dream. At the night vigil, almost the entire
township came, maybe to make sure that they are dead or maybe they did not hate
them at all; it was just natural conflicts. She howled for the whole night
vigil and that led her to meet a new friend, Mr Pillow. He did not mind her
tears, he just sunken them and stored them within his soul. He was good in
keeping her secretes. Even today, no one knows that at some other days she would
cry the whole night.
On that day of the funeral, God decide to feed his
plants, to fill up the rivers, to flow filling up near dams and ruining her
parents’ funeral. There was no way a hearse can go at that road to the graves.
That situation pushed away everyone’s tears back to their nests. “I didn’t know
what to do. I then thought of cremating them into ashes, allowing their souls
to go along with fumes towards heaven and I; be left with only ashes at my
desk, but I was late. As this cumbersome situation continues to deteriorate, a
bunch of boys was willing to help. I never saw a beautiful funeral like that in
my life. They took my parents, their enemies over their shoulders and walked
all the way to the graves”. “wow! So, mom your parents was buried by the whole
community?” “Yes My dear, but still my parents were not there to see what they
thought of them was wrong. For them to see that they did not hate us at all”.
After the funeral, she started thinking of how
things have turned out. That her dreams were gone. Elders in her family decided to ask one of
their relatives to stay with her since it was a very bad situation for everyone,
especially for her. Her uncle and his
wife came to a decision that they will stay with this little beautiful angel
who has been quite since the day of an accident. The intention was to get
someone who will stay with her at all times and that was his wife, Zandile.
This actually turned to a home of two women, Thembalami and Zandile since Brian
was always busy. He was plucky, being a police-man during these times, where it
was all about arresting a Black Man; for being black was a hard work.
At first it
all went well, they were a happy family again even though it took several
months for her to move on. Even if everything was perfect in this family her
uncle, Sbusiso had forgotten the role that was given to men in that Eden garden
to Adam. “I still don’t blame his wife for what she did. Actually, I knew what
she was up to and kept my mouth shut”. “Mom I am lost, what are you talking
about?” “She had no choice. She was afraid of losing her husband so using Umuthi in his food was the only choice.
At first, I thought she misses him up until I saw a paper written, ‘Bheka mina ngedwa’. By then I knew she
thought he was cheating, as any woman would when her man is busy with not being
busy.
One of those days, she forgot to take that ‘muthi’
away where Thembalami had seen it. She thought Sbusiso would come late as
usual. If he had seen it after eating, maybe he was going to understand. That
incident changed his behaviour. It even worsen everything after he stopped
working and running away from seeing the real world as it is. Actually, he was
caught drunk during working hours. Since then his life changed, shaping theirs.
He became vicious and even started taking drugs. Everything went bad in this family
and mostly, for Nombuso. By that time, she was still busy getting her life back
on track, looking for bursaries and her aunt looking for a job. Fortunately,
she found it at the Clinic.
Since then she became a bread-winner and he was a
bread-eater. However, that was not bordering him at all. Anyway, there was no
need, since her income went through him before doing anything. Again, devil
visited into Nombuso’s life. This time he did not get through Eve, but Adam,
her uncle. On that day, her aunt was working a night shift. He came home that
night on drugs, smelling alcohol all over his clothes and as usual, he started
shouting at her, calling her with names. However, that night he took another
step of making her feel uncomfortable. “I knew this was going to happen someday,
but I wanted it to be special like any other girl would.”
That was her first time feeling scared that way. Immediately,
her heart started tootling fast, her legs trembling and her voice like a young
cat in a corner. She tried to yelp for help, but a house well built, with a
quality of sealing board vetoed her voice from being heard. In a few minutes
she was bleeding, blood flowing through her legs along with her words, “it
hurt, you are hurting me” and that was it, her virginity extinct. That night
was not merely a night she used to have. It was more that those nightmares she
used to have when she was young. At least, during those days, she had a mother
as a shield. This time, she is all alone in the middle of that horrifying
night. She felt physically dirty and went to take a shower. Perhaps, she had no
idea that was a nest of evidence.
Thembalami twisted her heard and glared at her
mother. “So Mommy I am certain he was arrested” after asking this questing she
turned back, avoiding her mother’s eye contact as though she is shy. Her mother
failed to answer that question. She just looked up at these birds quiet as if
they were listening to this gloomy story. After an uncountable pause, she
replied in a hidden retort way, along with tears. “No, I didn’t even report him. I convinced
myself that no one was going to believe me.” she then paused for a while and
continued, “and I was right, since he was one of the respected elders in our
family”. Thembalami nodded her head, but her eyes furnished censure. “Still
mom, he raped you. How could you hide such a thing?” she asked with a low,
harsh voice. “I didn’t really hided it. I told my aunt, but instead of
listening to me, she was so spiteful.”
From that incident, she became rude and short
tempered. Anyway, she was still able to control her feeling to everyone, other
than her family. “Tell me mom, how you coped for all these years with that pain
on your heart?” she asked with a soft voice, looking straight at her eyes, red
as a skirt she is wearing. “I guess I am strong. I always use the smile to hide
all the pain I feel and tears, but even today, my heart is still bleeding”. She
said these words with her hand brushing her chest, as if she can physically
feel the pain. After a while, she then continued. “By that time I had no
shoulder to cry on. My aunt and her husband were enemies to me, but no one in
my family was nigh to notice all that.” He stopped for a while and closed her
eyes with a hand, preventing tears to fall. She then continued. Her voice has
now changed from soft to harsh. “They thought I was still struggling from the
pain of losing my parents, while I was merely in the pain of losing my
virginity.”
During those days, everything was against her. Even
the sun became dark, while bright to others. Clouds with wind, while with cool
breeze to others. That is when she tried to commit a suicide. “Trust me, I
never wish to die, even today. However, during those days dying was my only
option I had. I was not thinking straight and found myself standing on top of
the chair with the rope around my neck” Thembalami’s eyes drew bigger, holding
her mouth with both hands. This must have flabbergasted her. It actually her
first time talking to a victim of suicide, worse of all it is her mother.
While staring at her mother, blinking her tears
away, the story of tikolotshe paved back
it way to her mind. This is her favourite story that her mother used to tell
her during her early years, when she was around five years old. I never thought that was a true story
(Thembalami thought to herself). I never
thought someone would kill herself either. When she was young, her mother
would tell her a story of a young girl, who lived with her father. Though they
were a father and a daughter, they were also friends and they were always
together like twins. However, there was only one thing parted them apart,
soundly at the absent of the light. That was when tikolotshe used to visit. At
first, her father did not believe in ghosts and witchcraft either. Perhaps,
that was his mistake.
Every morning, her daughter would tell him terrible
things happened during her night. About her friend, tikolotshe and he would
just reply, that was just a dream my
dear, I also had those dreams when I was at your age. He knew that it was
not a dream, neither a reality. It just that, he did not believe in
impossibilities. Not after one day when he heard her in a middle of
conversation with this friend, that he could not see. He then went closer to
hear their full conversation. Fortunately, he was early. This tikolotshe was
still begging her to hang herself. Perhaps if he was not early, that girl would
have hanged herself. I actually thought
people would hang themselves on stories, but no! My mother is also a victim. (Thembalami
thinking to herself).
“Mom, you are telling me that…..” she paused for a
while, brushing her face, which reflected confusion and droop. “Wait, you tried
to kill yourself, but you are still alive. How? Nombuso giggled and nodded her
head. “It’s hard to believe, I know, but yes. I was waiting for a right moment,
to kick of that chair, when I heard a voice that went through my ears. It felt
like someone’s busy stubbing my heart. It’s
not over yet.” That voice cleared her mind and bequeathed her an
alternative option, ‘to run away’. At first, everyone was stunned. A
white-black girl committed a suicide. For what exactly? (As they would say).
She has everything under that roof.
After a long pause of silence, she continued. “I
then thought of running away. My aim was to go far away from them. Anyway,
anyone would prefer being nemesis with a stranger than your kin”. She had no
idea of where she was going but in a blink of an eye, she found herself under
the bridge at Hawick. She always heard people talking about Mooi River. How
sweet its water is and she knew that going along N3 would lead her to that tiny
township. Still she had no friends on that town, not even a place to sleep.
That journey turned to be too long than she expected. One day was not enough,
especially when walking by your feet. Even her shoes was not on her side. It
was actually like walking with bare feet. If she had better pair of shoes, that
journey would have been two days, not three.
At last she arrived. Mooi River was exactly as she imagined.
She then roamed the whole township and saw exactly what people told her. She
saw little houses with similar shapes, one tore road and people; friendly to
each other. However, she was fortunate enough to realise that apartheid was not
yet over in this town. Their enemies from western countries has turned these
people against each other. They have turned brothers and sisters into enemies.
Even the brides turned to punch bags of their husbands. Anyway, she was still relieved
because with all these conflicts, rapist uncle did not exist. Or perhaps, she
hasn’t met one.
As she was enjoying the taste of the new town, the
sweetness of its water, the sun slowly went back to its nest. Immediately the
thought of being a stranger paved its way to her mind and no one in this town
tried to help. It was not that big as it is today, not to notice a new comer.
Maybe no one trusted her. Anyone could have used a little good girl as a spy. “I
spent the whole week sleeping under the trees, near the hostel. I guess, each
camp thought I was a spy from another camp. “Wait mom” Thembalami stood up and
set down again. She paused for a while, with her hand through her lips and
continued. “I thought during apartheid, people were fighting against white
people. So, how did they even think you can be a spy?” her mother giggled a
little and replied.
“My Hope, at first, we were fighting them. It all
went bad when our intentions became diverse. Others were blaming others and
that’s when we turned to be each other’s enemies.
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